England Crawl From One Very Slo Game To The Next. The Three Lions couldn’t beat Slovenia but will need to get past Slovakia on Sunday if they want to make further Euro 2024 progress as Gareth Southgate struggles to sort his side out…
“And there are underwhelming scenes here as the team in claret and blue have overcome the might of Leicester City, Millwall and Exeter (with one win, two draws, two goals and three lousy performances) to secure their place in the next round…”
We’re not talking about West Ham (thankfully) but the similarly coloured Aston Villa, had world rankings been replaced by league positions when trying to place England’s ‘achievements’ at Euro 2024 so far into context.
The dire goalless draw against Slovenia on Tuesday was the equivalent of Villa, who finished fourth last term, failing to score against League One mid-table side Exeter. Total donkey plop.
The only relief, from a Hammers perspective, was that Jarrod Bowen was left on the bench and can’t be blamed for helping to stink out the stadium in Cologne as England struggled.
It left the West Ham man relying on club team-mates Tomas Soucek and Vladimir Coufal to try and help the Czech Republic beat Turkey last night if the Three Lions wanted to avoid a last-16 clash against the Netherlands on Sunday.
That always looked unlikely once the Czechs were reduced to 10 men after 20 minutes and, despite Soucek’s goal, they fell to a 2-1 defeat that sadly sends them home.
Yet Georgia’s shock 2-0 win against Portugal meant that England do indeed avoid the Netherlands and will play Slovakia in the next round instead.
Gareth Southgate may not be a good manager but he seems to be a lucky one with the way draws frequently work out in his side’s favour. He probably can’t believe his good fortune.
The only thing worse than England’s last display (following a fortunate 1-0 win against Serbia and dismal 1-1 draw with Denmark) was the nonsense we had to listen to afterwards.
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together to welcome skipper Harry Kane, a man of many words but sadly plenty with just one syllable…
“That was the aim before the start, to come top of the group and control our own destiny,” said Kane.
Er, so how does that work then, Harry? How are England any more in control of their own destiny than from any other qualifying position (with third good enough in the end)?
Indeed, they were so in “control” of their “own destiny” that they didn’t even know who their next opponents were for another 24 hours.
“We played a lot better than the other two games,” he added, seemingly forgetting Slovenia’s lowly 57th place in the rankings, as if England had really improved and impressed. It makes you wonder how much he actually thinks before he speaks.
And then we come to the next guest on the terrible talk show, the great orator known as defender John Stones, who said, “I’m extremely pleased. It’s not always easy when everyone has a target on our back to beat us.
“I feel we took a step in the right direction. I’m a big believer that we have to beat whoever is put in front of us.”
Except that England haven’t beaten Denmark and Slovenia in their last two games, so what the hell is he talking about? And what did the chef drop into the squad’s pre-match soup?
Finally, we turn the microphone in the direction of Southgate, an articulate guy who talks a good game but seems to have forgotten how to produce one.
“So many things are starting to come together,” he claimed, presumably on his way to the nearest branch of Specsavers, while also questioning the hostile reaction of England fans.
“It’s creating an unusual environment to operate in. I’ve not seen any other team qualify and receive similar [treatment].”
Obviously he hasn’t heard of ‘It Ain’t What You Do (It’s The Way That You Do It)’ by Funboy Three with Bananarama because, while qualification was obviously the priority, he must surely understand why people are so disappointed, disillusioned and dispirited that England have made such hard work of arguably the poorest group.
It’s always a manager’s job to get the best out of their players and this columnist raised major doubts several weeks ago by questioning if Southgate has the “tactical intelligence” to win the trophy, as well as expressing little faith that he is “capable of getting the best out of the talent at his disposal”.
Former England right-back Gary Neville clearly sympathises with the attacking players, saying, “We have massive talents and we cannot afford to mismanage them.”
If that’s not a big dig at Southgate then nothing is. And fellow pundit Alan Shearer added, “The way we qualified has been completely uninspiring. Southgate has not found the balance to get the best out of his players.”
